Let a Man Pursue You: Genders Roles in Dating Have Not Really Changed

As a dating coach, I often explain the roles each gender plays in dating. Let me start by saying that I define dating as only the first 4 - 10 dates depending on the couple. Once you know you have a standing date on Saturday night, you have moved on to the first phase of relationship.

I have named my theory on gender roles "The Yin Yang Theory of Dating". Picture the symbol and what you remember about it. It’s made of two paisley-shaped pieces that fit together to make a greater whole – the circle. The pieces are opposites (black and white) and mirror images - they are not exactly the same.

My intention is to help the women understand that while we have achieved great strides towards equality in the work place, a mistaken idea has arisen that men and women are equal and therefore now they are the same.

But, we are not the same! And chances are strong the genders never will be because our differences get down to our DNA. We are wired differently and have different parts. The more you think men and women are the same, the more likely you are to undermine a man’s role in dating which is highly disruptive to your chances of finding love.

I have found that strong, independent woman tend to want to get the ball rolling in the relationship area, just like you do in business. You want to get his digits, ask him out, email him, buy tickets to events, and follow up when he doesn’t call after the first date to find out why.

But this take charge way of interacting might keep you single. Let me apologize right now if you find this infuriating, but somebody’s got to tell you the truth. So here I am, Ronnie Ann Ryan – The Dating Coach, filling you in, because YOU NEED TO KNOW!

What does work? Start with your feminine charm. That means you allow the man to pursue you rather than trying to jump in and take charge.  Sometimes I literally have to beg women to drop the ball. Drop it! Leave the proverbial ball in his court and if he wants to, he’ll pick it up to pursue you. Don't interfere with the game because in fact, dating is still an ancient mating ritual that has not caught up to our relative business equality.

Most men enjoy the chase and expect it. A man usually wants to win you over and win your heart and that's how he gets invested in you. He will not get invested in you if you try to do his job and pursue him. He may feel flattered,  curious, or think he's about to get lucky. But rarely will he get invested in you because it wasn't his idea.

Occasionally, a man will go out with a woman who asks him out and if after the first date he likes her, he will take over the pursuit - provided of course that she let's him. That is the key.

However, when you get in there and take over his job by calling or asking him out, you confuse him or worse, you risk turning him off. A man likes dating you to be his idea. So, if you pick up the ball and pursue him ifhe’s not doing it right or fast enough for you, YOU LOSE.

Keep this crucial fact in mind. If a man you are interested in doesn’t ask you out, call you back, set up another date, he is simply not that interested. Case closed. There are no excuses. I don’t care how busy or shy he is, there are no excuses. Because men know exactly what they need to do to see you and win you over.

As a woman, your role is to be warm, friendly, and enjoyable. If you like him, make him feel good because men choose women who make them feel good about themselves. Be upbeat and positive. Let him know you appreciate his choice of restaurant or wine selection. Tell him it was the best steak you’ve had in a long time. Flatter him by saying he’s very funny or so easy to talk to if its true.

If you want better results with men, wait before you start to initiate. Allow your date to be in the driver's seat. It’s the only way you can discover what he will do on his own, without your prompting, to win you over. Once in relationship,things tend to balance out naturally.

Think of this theory like ballroom dancing. At the beginning of dating, you can never lose if you follow a man's lead. So, just this once, let go and let him lead. You will find it's totally worth it.