How Come He Flirts with Me, But Doesn’t Ask Me Out?

There’s a man who flirts with you all the time. You feel an intense attraction. Your heart might flutter and it’s so exhilarating you are sure he must feel it too! But – he never asks you out!

This situation has happened to so many women. What about you?

You know a man at church, work, or among your friends who flirts with you every time he sees you. Sometimes he actually makes a beeline right to you. It seems that he’s very interested in you and he says funny things or maybe touches you lightly. Sometimes these guys have actually gone as far as kissing you on occasion.

Whenever you see him, you feel an intense attraction. You feel prettier after talking with him. Your heart might flutter and it’s such an exhilarating feeling. You are sure he must feel it too! It’s just not possible that you are the only one feeling this. The attraction. The excitement. However, and this is very big –

He Never Asks You Out!

Things are simply stuck at flirtation and it drives you totally nuts. You find it extremely hard to stop thinking about him. Whenever you run into him, you relive every moment over the days that follow. You revisit every word he said, the way he smiled, and how he looked at you. You imagine feeling his light touched you on the arm or shoulder and the sensations that coursed through your body as a result.

Which leads you to wonder, “Why he doesn’t ask me out?” This chain of events  causes a degree of frustration because you do not understand how can this be! Why doesn’t he take it to the next obvious step?

Many clients have shared stories about this kind of thing happening at church and at work. It’s so noticeable, that other people have asked you about the two of you, thinking you must be something going on.

As a dating coach, three reasons come to mind for why he’s not asking you out:

1. Yes, there is an attraction. However, the guy is involved with another woman so he never asks you out. He enjoys flirting with you because it makes him feel good too.

2. He doesn’t want a relationship. But when he flirts with you, he gets the feminine interaction he enjoys without anything more require. He feels enlivened by your interaction and he loves the attention you give him. But trust me, he has absolutely no intention of ever taking this further. In addition, I’d bet you anything, this guy is not emotionally available.

3. There is something in his life keeping him from becoming romantically involved with anyone such as: financial trouble, health issues, emotional baggage, etc. Keep in mind that it doesn’t really matter since he has no plans to move ahead any time soon.

Please keep in mind that none of this is malicious. Yet, why is this so upsetting? Let me sum it up simply for you:

You assign meaning to his flirtations and think you are in some kind of relationship.

You read into what happens and see it as a potential for a relationship. But this is a mistake interpreting his intentions. THIS IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP! Sadly, 99% of the time in these situations, it never will be.

Here’s the naked truth about Mr. Flirty

He Is Not Mr. Right. If he were Mr. Right, he’d be asking you out.

Some major flaw keeps this man from getting involved with you. Please don’t forget that key piece of the puzzle. If you have a flirty relationship driving you crazy right now, it’s time to re-evaluate. Remember, 99% of the time, this is nothing more than a dead end situation that will disappoint you and distract you from your goal – looking for and finding love with the right man for you.

I hope you can see this for what it truly is and are willing to let go and move on to better men who are ready for love with a great woman like you.

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

Priscilla Lynn May 14, 2012 at 07:13 PM
Been there, done that! Thanks for the insight and direct-to-the-point suggestions, Hey Ronnie Ann - great blog! I read this because: (a) I know you a long time and always enjoy what you have to say/share; and (b) OK, yes, I am single. I'm not looking for 'Mr. Right,' (not even interested in dating), but if I were, you'd most definitely be my 'go-to gal' to take advantage of your dating coach services.
Ronnie Ann Ryan May 17, 2012 at 07:35 PM
Hi Priscilla - thanks for your great comment!
Mark Zona July 08, 2012 at 11:09 PM
While I agree with a lot of what you said, one question enters my mind... (Disclaimer: As context and tone are often impossible to communicate over the internet, I want to be clear that I am asking an honest question as an open debate, and I am not being antagonistic or combative in any manner.) So my question is, as a man, why is it my job to ask you out? I'm not quite in the 40+ club but I definitely round up to it, so maybe I just don't yet have the proper perspective or experience. But to me it seems that, in 2012, a time where women have definitely shown their equality on the social spectrum, we shouldn't be governed by 1940's protocols. If you're interested in me, you should be just as available to take that first step as I am. Maybe I flirt with you because it is comfortable and it feels good - the same reasons why you reciprocate, which keeps me interested because I am interested in you. But maybe, I'm shy, or haven't asked a woman out in a long time and am unsure of what to say, or maybe I'm petrified of the feelings if you reject me. These are probably feelings that many women would have if they were tasked with asking a man out. But why not ask me out? Ask me to coffee or to a 'safe' event... And be just as awkward as I might be if the roles were reversed. Women are powerful. I liked your blog post, and would love to see the male-aligned version of the coaching!
lala January 23, 2013 at 01:40 AM
Well said Mark!
Ronnie Ann Ryan January 23, 2013 at 03:29 PM
Mark - here's why its your job to ask a woman out. As humans, we cannot take biology out of the equation. So, being a hunter has been coded into a man's DNA which plays a huge roll at the start of dating. The vast majority of men who are looking for a mate (not a fling), want to be the pursuer rather than be pursued. Having been a dating coach for 11 years, I have seen it all and I can tell you that it rarely works when a woman asks a man out. He may go because he is flattered, curious or thinks he'll get lucky. And if he likes the woman, he may take over pursuit. But in 99% of cases, if it wasn't the man's idea, he will lose interest quickly. This is just how it is. No matter how much we've progressed or how modern we are, this exchange has not shifted much at all. Now in your case, if you are open to women asking you out and are good with this - great! You may have more opportunities that way. However, if you are waiting around for a woman to ask you out, then you might end up single. You need to be bold and ask women out. That's how it's done. Once you have had 4-6 dates, and you enter the relationship phase, things tend to balance out and you will likely take turns initiating. Until then mark - the ball is in your court. Pick up that ball and run with it!
whitney nikki February 21, 2013 at 09:42 PM
I really love this i get both Male&female perspectives being that an older very attractive gentleman flirts with me EVERY time i come to his job/store to shop. At first i brushed it off but lately he's bolder than ever, i do admit its exciting but after reading your blog i really am having different feelings. Kind of a,bummer, the ugly truth. But glad it set me free. Im attracted to shy guys &gentlemen sweethearts always have been, but for obvious reasons they wont approach me..being that they are SHY C= thanks for the insight Really opened my eyes, Women open up conversation piece, but. Men Pursue
Ronnie Ann Ryan February 21, 2013 at 10:49 PM
Flirting can be a tip off that a man is interested - its only when the flirting goes on and on and he never asks you out that you know he's not serious. Still, that doesn't mean the flirting isn't fun and a great ego boost - so enjoy it!
Reet March 16, 2013 at 08:59 AM
I like a guy who happens to be my teacher at a private coaching institute for competitive exams but is some 2 or 3 years older that me and he does all these things but he has never asked me for my number or anything like that but yes once he asked all of us(entire class) for our e mail ids which I thought may be that way he wanted to speak to me and I'm very sure that he flirts with me so does it mean that he 's just flirting and will never ask me out...
Ronnie Ann Ryan March 19, 2013 at 02:05 PM
Yes, that is the most likely outcome - no dating. As your teacher, he probably cannot ask you out. enjoy the flirting, just don't think it means anything or will lead any where. Look else where for your romantic options.
oyedun abimbola March 25, 2013 at 10:04 PM
I like a guy and he do tell me he likes me but he never ask me out,and he is always telling me to kiss him and also tell me to sleep over at his place , I would love to but he did not ask me out. He do tell me that he got turned on any time we are chatting on bb.the first time we go out he told me am fun been with. Right now I don't no if I sdhould say he is flirting with me or he will still ask me out
Tee van March 31, 2013 at 04:36 AM
I totally agree ronnie, well said. Im going through this now with a guy, an reading this help me open my eyes, thanks!
Ronnie Ann Ryan April 02, 2013 at 05:03 PM
Tee van - glad to be of help - you can find a lot more dating tips on my site - just google me
Sylvia Chao June 06, 2013 at 01:16 PM
It's so nice to get an insight into what a man's action could mean. Thanks, Ronnie. But i'm still so perplexed...A guy met me at a party, asked me for a dance and insisted that I stay long because he wanted to spend time with me. He was such a gentleman throughout. He even went as far as telling my girlfriend that "She's my girl!" It was obvious that he liked me but after that night he has stuck to just a few casual conversations with no mention of the things he said at the party. What does this mean?
macsden October 24, 2013 at 07:09 PM
I've had the similar interaction with a guy at work who's cancer. The signals are so conflicting and I'm tired of dealing with it. I asked to see each other outside if work and he said anytime, then....nothing. I think he just wants a booty call. He has shared a lit about his life and said he doesn't want to be hurt. I've settled with liking him from. distance an trying to remove my feelings from this relationship in my mind.


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