JP’s Modern Day Take on Etiquette! Roll over, Emily Post!

Spring has sprung! There are a gaggle of Bridal Showers, Baby Showers, and events all centered around love and being in love! WOW! Social events call for Etiquette! The big "E" word! Etiquette! How many times do we hear that and wonder, am I doing what I should? Well, things have changed a bit since Mrs. Emily Post took her fountain pen to paper and dictated to generations of women on everything from successful dating practices to seating at your first dinner party as a married lady. No wonder they called it the Victorian Age!

In these modern times of smart phones, voice mail, text messages, and emails, so many situations call for a simpler, less high-tech approach. Here are a few examples of every day and special occasions that come up for me the most often.

Job/Client Interview Follow-Up:
I have had a little too much experience with this situation lately! Etiquette used properly in this situation could set you apart from other candidates, and close the deal for you!  While you are at the potential employer’s office, ask everyone who interviews you for their business card. Compose a hand-written thank you note to anyone who interviewed you. HR person, co-worker, managers, and send it the same day or the following day after the interview. This keeps your name in front of all concerned parties, and, shows you have good follow through skills, and that you can be urgent about things. After 10 days, send a short, sweet and professional email to the person doing the hiring. Then, it's up to them. Some companies do not send out thanks but no thanks letters (which they should!).

House Parties:
You receive an invitation to a friend's place for a get together. You should RSVP immediately. The invite should let you know their preferred method for responding. Should you bring something? It has always been a practice of mine never to arrive at a person's home empty-handed the first time I am invited, or if it is a party celebrating a special occasion like housewarming, birthday, anniversary, or new baby. A bottle of wine and a sleek bottle opener always goes over big. Cookies or baked goods from your favorite neighborhood bakery, chocolates (anything BUT Godiva!), a photo album, a CD of mood music (Avalon or Solitudes label is my favorite!), scented candles, or a copy of a favorite book all make wonderful and very thoughtful gifts. For the more specific occasions, check to see if there is a gift registry for the bride, baby or happy couple. You can also ask your host or hostess if they would like you to support them by bringing something specific to the party. You can do this when you respond to their invitation. This really takes the pressure off of you and the host/hostess. If they say no gifts, and it is a special occasion like a birthday or an anniversary, a $25 or $50 donation to their favorite charitable cause is also a wonderful and personal acknowledgment. OK, now some hostess etiquette! Your guest spills red wine on your new white carpet or sofa. Don't get upset, it was an accident. Simply pick up the glass, graciously smile, and put the glass in the trash if it is chipped or broken, offer them another glass, and call the cleaners the next day, or, if you are a do-it-yourselfer, get out the seltzer bottle and the oxy clean, and scrub away till dawn after your guests have gone! How would you want it to be handled if you were the guest who spilled the wine?

Weddings:
You receive an invitation to a wedding. If you cannot attend the ceremony and reception, it is in good taste to send your regret immediately. You may send a card or a gift to the couple to arrive before the day of the blessed event. If you are attending, how much cash should you give? What should you give? The average cost for a wedding reception these days is $150 to $250 per person for a buffet or sit down dinner and open bar cocktail hour. Your cash gift should cover at least that. You may also select a gift from the bridal registry in the same amount if you prefer not to give cash. If you are going to bring a guest, double the amount. And remember, the wedding and the reception is all about the couple. Dress fashionably and behave accordingly so that the focus stays on them the entire day/evening! The last thing you want is to be remembered as the drunken guy who danced badly or fell asleep in the bathroom, or the girl whose outfit was horrible, fit poorly and let it all hang out! It's a wedding, not a night club you are attending! If you need examples, Google has a huge collection of wedding guest videos!

First date:
There is speed dating, internet dating sites, smart phone apps for finding the “one” but I have not read anything lately that really just deals with what to do or how to handle a first date. Where do we go? Who pays? What do I wear? A reasonably-priced, well-lit restaurant is the best place to go. Arrive 15 minutes early. Order a drink, preferably something clear like a vodka cocktail or white wine. This will put you at ease, you will look cool, calm and collected when your date arrives. And if you are nervous and spill, it won't leave a huge ugly stain on your outfit! Keep the conversation light, smile, and make eye contact, have fun, it's a date, not a job interview! Taboo topics of conversation are past dating experiences, relationships, or first date war stories! Don't tell someone you are nice, or loyal, or that you're really looking for marriage and to have children on a first date. These are red flags to the other person! When the check comes, a first date should be Dutch treat. Pay with cash, so it doesn't look like you are using a corporate expense account. If someone insists on paying the tab, the other person gets to leave a very generous tip for the wait person. Dress business casual, not too sexy. End the evening early, and always leave them wanting more. My BFF, colleague and former supermodel, NYC dating and relationship guru Shanti Owen says, “ a first date is like trying on shoes in a store, you might have to try them all on before you find one that fits and feels as good as it looks!” Also, observe how your date interacts with, and treats the wait staff in the restaurant, this is telling to how they really are! Turn off your cell phone and do not make or receive any text messages (unless you are a medical professional on call!) There is nothing that turns me off more than a person who uses their cell phone during a date, or a night out with friends! The message you are sending by using it is that you are superior to the other person, and there are other places that need your attention and focus more than this situation! And if you are interested in a second date, if you set up the first date, you call first to set up the second! Same applies for the second date. Add layers of intimacy and sexiness as you go! And have some fun!

Telemarketers/Sales Calls:
My personal pet peeve! You are out and about and your cell phone rings! It's a quiet night at home, and your home phone rings! On the other end is a live person who has a service to offer, or is asking for a charitable contribution! Darn! How did they get MY number! OK, realize that, first of all, this is another human being at the other end of the phone. They had no idea they interrupted your dinner, or that you were busy, or that it is your kid's bedtime. They are doing their job, and in the case of asking for a charitable donation, most likely they are passionate about the cause they support and are a volunteer! What do you do? If at that moment you know that the service is not for you, or that you do not have the extra money to make the donation they seek, please, thank them POLITELY for their call, say you are not interested, and request that they remove your name from their calling list if you don't wish to be called again. It's that simple. By telling them this is a bad time, or that you don't know, or that you can't talk right now, you are giving them the permission to call until they reach you at an appropriate time, or when you might be interested. For some reason, people have a hard time just saying no. If you just say no, thanks, and are polite, you probably won't be called again by the same telemarketer, and won't receive a call until perhaps the next time the charity does a phone campaign. If you are not definitive with the no, and they call back, you are creating your own problem by not having been direct with the no at the outset. No excuses, just say NO, I am not interested. This is the age of going green, and there are lots and lots more companies going over to telephone sales. List your cell phone number and home phone number with the national do not call registry at DNC.org, but remember, non-profit and humanitarian organizations are exempt from the DNC registry, and may still call you even if you are registered there. To stop the calls, simply answer the first time you receive the call, thank them, and say no, and ask to be removed from the calling list. In most cases, you won't get called again until next year when they are raising funds again! So simple! And yet you would be surprised how many people are so unbelievably nasty to telemarketers!

Chivalry...
Some say chivalry is dead. Well, I think good manners are lacking. When was the last time you walked through a door, and held onto it so it wouldn't hit the person behind you? I get smacked with doors all the time. And it seems I may be the last man standing who actually holds doors! When was the last time you actually made eye contact when you said thank you? If you say “Thank You,” look at the person and say it while you hold eye contact! They will think you are so polite! For those of us living in the larger cities, when was the last time you saw an elderly or a disabled person, or a pregnant woman standing on the bus or the subway? Chances are it was during your last ride to or from work. When should I offer my seat to someone? I have a general rule for this. If a person looks like they need to sit down, chances are, you should offer your seat. Once you take the action, it's amazing how many other people start to offer their seats too! Courtesy is contagious! In this modern time of equal rights for all, it is hard sometimes to remember the little things that mean a lot.

I hope this has given you some food for thought! Until next time, live simply, and always do your best!

Please post your comments, and share your hints too!