Quieting The Many ME Personalities In My Head And Loudly Taking the Leap Anyway

It ironic to me that here I sit in front of what should be an happy and proud occasion, my first attempt at my first entry into of my first blog instead feeling hesitant, afraid almost paralyzed as a lifetime of fear, doubt and emotion tidal waves run through my head.  Because what I know that you don’t is that this isn’t really my first attempt at writing this entry at all.  I have written and rewritten this first draft for the last 40 years of my life, ever since Mrs. McDonald’s 2nd grade class, when a little second grader in her blue parochial school uniform and saddle shoes read a short story to her class and heard for the first time over the giggles of 7 year olds HER REAL VOICE whisper in her ear “this is what I want to do with my life”. And so now I sit here 40 years later scared and yet determined, doubtful and yet convinced, dedicated to pushing past the fear to do what I truly love…. Writing.

Even now as I type the internal struggle ensues LOUDLY in the quiet of my head :

THE PRACTICAL ME :  You have no time.  Louder  still, you should type Toula that thank you note.  It has been three days. What about the laundry sitting on the floor . When are you going to do that?  And loudest of all, you already missed RSVP’ing Emma for that birthday party.  What’s the Mom going to think of you?  What kind of mother are you? You dropped the ball on Emma yet again!

THE DOUBTFUL ME :  Whose voice not just screams but continually repeats like an echo through the Grand Canyon :  Who are you kidding? Write for a living?  Your own blog? Who are you going to con to read it?  Don’t you remember the email from your  boss, just this week, before the clock even struck seven telling you “ all your emails SU** this morning”.

THE EMOTIONAL EATER ME:  Isn’t there chocolate in the house? 

And Finally THE CONFIDENT ME :  Loudest still, just shut them all up and do it.  LEAP! You have always known this is your destiny.

This blog for me will be about my journey to quiet the ranting of my head and to follow and trust the whispers of my soul.

So thank you in advance friends, family and (“hopefully ??” - says DOUBTFUL ME) the many  strangers for taking the leap with me into the canyon of uncertainty as I hope to (“ No” says the CONFIDENT ME “ know”)  bounce up and skyrocket past my fears on this trampoline called life.

Ciao for now.  Have to go CONFIDENTLY and loudly hit the publish button.